As I lay my ear upon his chest I hear his heart beating, thump thump.  I feel like I can hear his love beating for me beneath his ribcage.  Then I feel his lungs inhale, then shudder with an exhale.  Something isn’t right, that breath was too shuddery.  I look up, and I look into his eyes.  I see a tear in the corner.  It runs down the bridge of his nose, I wipe it away with my thumb, and look deep in his eyes, seeing pain behind his eyes.

“What’s wrong baby?” I ask him, a questioningly look in my eyes.

He shakes his head, looking away from me.

“Is it me?” I ask him, my voice cracking at the thought of the possibility.

“I just don’t feel it anymore” he whispers as his voice cracks and tears spill from his eyes as he can’t look me in mine.  I kiss away the first few tears, tasting the saltiness of them.

“I love you.” I cry and lay my head on his chest again, and sob into his shirt.

“I love you too.” He whispers back.

He cries, and I take his head in my arms and hold him close to my breast, holding him to my heart, hoping that he’ll feel my love for him beneath my ribcage, like I felt beneath his.  He sobs, soaking the t-shirt he had given me the week before with salty tears.  His words sink in and I start to cry, my tears splatter against his blond hair, and run down and mix with his tears.  We slide down and meet face-to-face and cry together on the bed.  We hold each other as we cry, arms around each other, shaking, sobbing.  

“I love you.” I cry and lay my head on his chest again, and sob into his shirt.

“I love you too.” He whispers back.

I feel like my heart’s being torn to pieces.  I keep thinking about how we’ve been together so long, and how I couldn’t have seen it coming.  Wondering if he’d been feeling it the whole time.  I asked him what he wanted, but he didn’t know.  He just couldn’t seem to stop crying and when I would stop, and then would look him in the eyes, I’d start up again.

“What do you want to do?” I asked him my voice cracking from sobs.

“I don’t know.” He replied exhausted.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“For you to be happy” he replied truthfully.

“For me to be happy, I’d have to be with you, and that means you’d be unhappy, and that wouldn’t be fair.” I replied with my own truthful answer.

He sighed and I could tell he was tearing up again.

“You said earlier you just didn’t feel it anymore, what do you mean by that?  That you love me, but aren’t in love with me?”  I asked, not wanting it to be true.

He shook his head yes.

“How long have you felt this way?” I asked looking away, tears filling my eyes once more.

“Not long.” He replied, avoiding my eyes.

I cleared my throat.  “The trip?” I asked.

He shook his head no.

“Before the trip?”

He shook his no again.

“After the trip?”

I got a yes.

“Last weekend?”

Another no.

“Then it had to have been between last week and this week.” I said exasperated with all the head-shaking.

“It just faded away,” he half-whispered.

“Then I think this means we’re breaking up,” I started, my voice cracking again. “It isn’t fair that one of us be in love, and the other not.  It just isn’t fair to either of us.”

Then we cried again.  I gave him the phone to call his mom to pick him up, and I told my mom he was leaving.  I came back upstairs and we sat together and cried some more while I sat on his lap and held him.  

“ I love you so much,” I whispered into his ear, crying harder than ever at the same time, and kissed him on the forehead.

He stood up, and we stood there for a few moments.  I stood on the chair and placed my hand on his cheek.  I had to do it, I had to, I didn’t know when the next time, if any I’d get to kiss him again.  I kissed him on the lips, and I felt the love there, and I started to cry and he started to cry as we kissed one final time.  We sat back in the chair and held each other and cried again.  Finally we went outside and waited for his mom, still trying to stifle our sobs.

As he left I said “I love you.”

And he said “I love you too, I’m sorry….”

And he left, and with that, I went back upstairs, and I cried, and tried to piece back together my broken heart….